Do i have a right to still have trust issues / when to bury the hatchet?

last week i found out my husband of 3+ years had a secret myspace account and secret e-mail that he'd created to "keep in touch with co-workers". i knew he'd done wrong for not telling me about either of these... in the myspace he'd e-mailed a female coworker from a former job.. the e-mail was lightly laced with flirtatious remarks on her appearance (ie- "lookin good")... meanwhile, when we'd both had a myspace (that we were both aware of and participating in) he never e-mailed me because it "wasn't his thing". but this e-mail continued on for a few days, and didn't stop until i deleted his account. he had sent her a request, and his status was on single (he says its because he never got around to changing it)... i would have left him right then and there if i hadn't accidently slammed his finger in a door and broken it... instead of driving across the country i drove him to the ER. i decided to stay and work things out with him b/c this is so unlike him and he felt horrible.

Do i have a right to still have trust issues / when to bury the hatchet?

There are a number of things in this post that make me think that you should talk to a councilor about this. First and foremost, he betrayed your trust. He can say anything he wants at this point but he was skulking about instead of living with integrity. Seeing as he betrayed your trust, he has to do the work to make amends to rebuild the trust. You have to define the what it is going to take for him to earn your trust; maybe it will be that he has a myspace page, but it is an "Ourspace page", or a myspace page with a link to yours. Perhaps he has to be more transparent for a certain amount of time. The thing is, that if he is willing to do the work to earn your trust, and he is doing all that you ask of him, then you have to work on letting go of what happened in the past. You will never forget but you have to work on addressing your fears, because those fears mean you are not living your life to its fullest.

He is not responsible for your self esteem issues, they are from your past. Your childhood and your previous relationships, but they are all fostered from your brain. The only way a person can affect your self esteem in a negative way, is if YOU give them permission. You know that no one can stop you from smoking, only you have the power to decide if you will light one up or not. If you do not feel good about yourself, then you are going to say your husband is better than you and you are going to let his behaviors represent your self worth, but that is wrong. Look at yourself...you have friends, you have a husband, you have had previous relationships, so there are people who are drawn to you, so you have something going for you. You know you are a smart girl, considerate, and compassionate. You have to believe in yourself, because you have what other people out there have that you admire. In fact, you have more than your husband going for you, because you would not think of living a double life. If you know who you are, if you know what you value, then that is what matters. That is what defines you and you build on that and make it stronger. You need some help to get you to break free from your self esteem issues, because from there you will have the strength to stop smoking and drinking diet coke. The smoking and pop etc, are just masking an underlying problem. If you treat your self esteem issues, you will probably not want another smoke again, and you will have the power to stop drinking the diet coke.

You know that with smoking, you control a person to stop them from smoking. You have to want to quit for yourself. The same applies to your husband. Sure he feels shame for what he did, and you delivered a painful consequence, but he did that because something in his life is missing. It could come from your marriage, but it likely comes from weak values.

Remember, he has to do the work to earn your trust back, and if he isn't doing the work then why would you feel you can trust him.

Do i have a right to still have trust issues / when to bury the hatchet?

Well first off he didn't "cheat" on you. He may have had an "emotional" affair. I don't know what his problem is, but if he's willing to go to counseling and try to deal with the problems in your marriage then I say you should stay and try to work it out.

If he doesn't admit that there is a problem and doesn't want help then walk away and don't look back.

To try and fail is still success. To fail without trying is just failure.

Do i have a right to still have trust issues / when to bury the hatchet?

How did you monitor "his" account and delete it?

Is it worse to be the cheater or the crazy, psycho-control freak who's spying?

Do i have a right to still have trust issues / when to bury the hatchet?

you are def. right to have trust issues. My husb has a secret acct on adultfriendfinder, and although the convos are over, I still have my doubts. I wonder s/times if ill ever be able to trust him like i did b4

Do i have a right to still have trust issues / when to bury the hatchet?

Please concentrate on working harder with your sponsor..........

It's obvious your husband is detrimental to your health.

Do i have a right to still have trust issues / when to bury the hatchet?

re: but it put my self esteem in the trash again... what do i do?

........build it up again and be free of petty jealousy and insecurity!

Do i have a right to still have trust issues / when to bury the hatchet?

True, he didn't cheat on you. But lying - whether intentionally or not - is a huge deal in a relationship - especially in a marriage. Keep in mind that whole "till death do you part" thing. I am having my own trust issues with my boyfriend right now. My issues are not THAT big in the "grand scheme of things" you could say - sort of like yours. It is not like you know he has cheated. You just know he is a little more flirtatious and internet savvy than you originally thought. The problem is that it is still a betrayal, and he knows it - which is why he didn't tell you about it. If he wasn't doing something wrong, he would have told you (in my opinion). You only try to hide the things you do wrong.

It could go either way. You could work things out with him by reasoning to yourself that it's "not that big of a deal", OR you could let it become a "big deal". This isn't the sort of thing that should end a three year marriage, in my opinion. It does raise questions of what else he may be hiding from you, but I wouldn't end the relationship over some internet flirting. If you had proof that he intended to meet up with this woman from the email (for example, did he ever mention he wanted to meet for coffee to "catch up", etc.?), THEN I would consider whether you want to stick with a marriage where you can't be totally honest with each other.

Counselling may help, but only if you want it too. If he's a great husband overall who feels remorseful for hurting you, I'd stick it out. Good men are hard to find. If he's just kind of "so so" - maybe it's time to take that cross-country drive...especially now that his finger is bandaged up.

Hope this helps!

Do i have a right to still have trust issues / when to bury the hatchet?

Whenever men keep secret accounts its for a reason and not a good one. I dont buy that whole "never got around to change it". Think about how much time he put into it, did he had it decorated? or with other personal information filled out? How come he had an acount with you but forgot to tell you about this one? I can smell the BS from here. Just keep your eyes open.